Feeling the Void

What a difference a year makes!

For those of you who don't know, this is not a crazy photoshopped image of me. I have the dreaded C word.  This past Spring, my Mother passed away. A week after her funeral I discovered that I have the same cancer she did.  The month of May 2015 is going to be a hard one to top.

Out shopping

Mother and Louie napping

So far I've had two surgeries and 3 chemo treatments.  I'm not quite halfway through yet but I'm hopeful this will end at some point.  It's the unknown that keeps me awake at night and gets my mind racing at random periods.  The strangest triggers can either bring me intense happiness or launch me into a fresh set of maddening tears.

I'm trying very hard not to let the unknown rob me of my joy.  They tell you to keep living your life like you always have - yeah right!  But I have been able to do a couple photo shoots and have the occasional moments of normalcy thank goodness. I'm extremely appreciative of my family and friends who have been so kind and generous with their time and love.  Dad's been an inspiration in strength and my wonderful husband, William, has been amazing through all this.  Even after 21 years, he continues to surprise me.  I still feel guilty that anytime I cry, it makes him cry, and then we are both a blubbering mess.  :)

As I was driving back and forth from KY and WV while my Mother was ill, the art ideas started coming.  I've been using my iPhone to write them all down.  My Mother was my sounding board when it came to my ideas.  A few of these current possibilities I even had a chance to discuss with her before she was gone.  I'm really hoping when I've finished the chemo and radiation, I can get into the studio and let this jumble of craziness work it's way out of me as she would have expected me to.  

Some of the ideas have been circling around the idea of the void - the feeling and experiences based upon this enormous absence in my life.  I'm a pretty good mix of both my father and my mother, but mother always got me.  She knew what to say to prop me right back up when life had thrown me a curve. At random times one of us would call the other to find we were both in the exact same mood for absolutely no reason.  Once I mused that maybe we were two people that were sharing the contents of one soul.  She liked how that explained the uncanny link we had.  That thought is really sparking some ideas now...

In this moment I will be trying to ride the roller coaster of my treatments with as much patience and grace as I can summon and keep writing down the ideas as they present themselves.  

Tell your special people that you love them and go out and create something wonderful.